Ask to Join If Only

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

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At the sound of his sister's voice, the thoughts of self doubt and so forth left him, at least temporarily. It felt nice to have an ease of mind with kin around. Except for one thing, she was the one he was bossing around before he had even become deputy... he could defend himself and say it was a tense situation, but he caused Petalsnap so much stress, even if she didn't say it aloud, he wasn't blind, he could see when a cat was worried... clearly.

"Oh, please." Emberdawn accepted Petalsnap with open paws, patting the spot beside him with his tail. "You don't need to ask. You could come over whenever you like." He added, curling his cinnamon furred tail back around his mostly white body. Then, he awaited her join before daring to make a whisper again.

Soon, Emberdawn found his bicolored gaze moving down to his paws, he couldn't help but think if everything had happened a few seconds sooner, Aspenberry would have been fine, her kits would have a mother and the clan would still have her as deputy. But that wasn't what happened, Aspenberry was dead, he was deputy, and he wasn't sure what to do to calm his clanmates' minds. It ate him inside, but he wouldn't let Petalsnap worry about that, even if the tenseness in his muscles spoke otherwise. "So, how are you, sister?"

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

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Even though Petalsnap had trailed off before finishing her sentence, Emberdawn knew what she would say, the words weren't needed. "They've been... eventful, putting it lightly." He added, flicking his tail, he felt shame in revealing this side of himself, what kind of brave and noble deputy would he be if he was just... weak? Weakness brings threats he was yet to account for. He shouldn't be openly showing this, shouldn't be feeling this, but here he was, a deputy, plagued with self doubt and weakness.

While Emberdawn could have lied, could have said he was strong, could have said he had everything under control, it would make his reputation worse... WindClan with a death toll and a weak and deceptive deputy. No, Petalsnap deserved the truth from her deputy, and her brother. "Not well, honestly." He spoke, as if the weight was physical and pushed him deeper into himself. "I feel... sorry, like I should apologize for so... so many things, Aspenberry was injured while I was there, if I had been any faster, any closer, maybe she could have..." he paused, his voice didn't trail away or falter, it stopped. He knew what he wanted to say, but putting the weight on his sister made him feel like he was burdening her further, a pain worse than a maul to the throat... ironically.

"I didn't do enough, I put so much stress on you to save Aspenberry, I could have helped, I didn't, I went off to fight instead... if Cloudflare hadn't arrived, you would have had that guilt all to yourself. I should have been there sooner, should have done more..." Emberdawn held a wail he hadn't known was rising in his words until then, he trapped it deep within himself, for later. "I don't deserve to be deputy, Aspenberry does, her kits know it, I know it, I'm sure most of the clan knows. But that isn't how things happened. I can hope and dream all I want but it means nothing because Aspenberry won't rise from her grave and return to take my place. She's gone, and it's my fault WindClan is hurting."

Emberdawn paused, flattening his ears and lowering his muzzle, his throat feeling tight and sore. His stomach knotted and any appetite he might have had previously was gone. "I'm sorry, for putting that duty onto you then, and for burdening you with my problems now. I have a lot of cats to apologise to... so I suppose I've started with you."