Private Thread Night of the Choice

"You're a star in my sky!"

⚝──⭒─𖣂.ೃ࿔ ✈︎ *:･𖣂.ೃ࿔ ✈︎ *:･─⭒──⚝

Cedarpaw seemed.. Lighter. At the very least, compared to when she had first woken up from her dream encounter with Hetesha. But she wasn’t asleep yet, instead having been enjoying the stars with an oddly relieved smile on her face. The threat of the white-maned ancestor still lingered in her heart but the stranger’s words had soothed her. He wasn’t all-powerful. There were other powers out there that rivaled his or were stronger. And they could protect her… Protect her from her own reservations and free her.

Free her from the tiny cage Hetesha had put on the clans. She knew that it wouldn’t be a problem if she was just loyal but she wanted control. Control of her own life. She didn’t want to be controlled by the starry lion. She wanted her own say. Perhaps for any other cat who hadn’t been threatened by Hetesha the choice would be obvious. Go if they had nothing to lose and stay if they had something to lose. But Cedarpaw had so much to lose. Her kin. Her clan. Herself.  

When Berrypaw nudged her, Cedarpaw looked over, eyes soft; fond, affectionate, loving. It was like she could see the key so vividly. “Mhm. Sleepy but awake.” She whispered back, shuffling closer until their nests were touching. However, when the molly paused for a heartbeat to take in her brother’s body language and face, she understood. He wasn’t looking to play around like they did every other night. He was serious. Her own expression shifted to a solemn one, gesturing for him to speak.

Without passion you don’t have energy, without energy you have nothing.

･ﾟ✧⭑🍓⭑✧･ﾟ

Berrypaw turned his gaze to Cedarpaw as she shuffled her nest closer, for a moment, he questioned if moving away was the better option, it might hurt less if he was more distant from his sister. But it didn't, it wouldn't it would hurt a whole lot more if the last conversation they properly had was in frustration. that can't be the way this goes.

He shuffled his paws as he moved closer to his sister, admitting to himself that it was best if they were to spend the best if not final moments together in the den like this, if Cedarpaw was to leave, Berrypaw would be the cat that she needed the most. He knew what was happening, and that felt heavier than any other burden he could carry. With a heavy sigh, he met her gaze. 

"I know I've been acting a fool all day and boasting about our next training session. But I... I can't keep acting like everything is normal." He began, his ears lowering, he had been insufferable the past day, he was sure Cedarpaw knew it too. While he didn't see a reason to leave, her knew Cedarpaw did, and that was enough for him to consider her feelings in this too.

He shifted a bit closer, his voice dropping to an uncharacteristic lower rumble. "You have the choice to leave. And honestly... it scares me half to death just saying it out loud." It was true, saying it himself made it feel more real, and much less like a stupid encounter with a weird loner. Cedarpaw was considering this and Berrypaw wasn't leaving. That was the truth of it. "I know I can't control your decision, I don't want to. But I also don't want to lose my sister either, all those promises we made, things we've done, times we've just spent... being ourselves. Is this where it ends?"

"If it is... I... I'm not sure what I'd do. Besides make everyone remember you for moons to come." He let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding from his chest, it still felt tight, but there was something softer there when he imagined being a warrior, rambling to kits about all the adventures they would have had, he wanted Cedarpaw there, but he wanted her to be happy more. "I want you to be the happiest cat you can be, if that means you leave. I'm not going to stop you. I just... I'm sorry if I did anything to push you away, I'm sorry for everything... sister." 

"You're a star in my sky!"

⚝──⭒─𖣂.ೃ࿔ ✈︎ *:･𖣂.ೃ࿔ ✈︎ *:･─⭒──⚝

Cedarpaw had thought so long and hard. A decision like this wasn’t meant to be able to be made in a day. Oh what she wouldn’t give to have more time or to pass the offer to another who would love it. She was sure somebody would. If not a clan cat perhaps a loner with a love for learning. But under her circumstances, and with everything she knew, she knew that it had to be her. And that she had to make a choice. Now. 

Despite having spent time with those she cared for most today, the molly hadn’t said a word about it to anybody. She put on a mask of her usual self. Cheerful, kind, caring. But perhaps her dam would blame herself either way. Whether she had shown her true feelings or not. She could see Beewhisker beating herself up for not taking the signs seriously and Bayflower doing the same for not seeing the signs. So she had pretended. Pretended that since the dream that nothing had been wrong.

No matter how much she had wanted to scream at Bayflower and Beewhisker for being disloyal and in turn dragging herself and Berrypaw into this mess… Something in her made her keep her mouth shut. Perhaps it was fear. Perhaps it was love. She wasn’t sure. But since the start, only Berrypaw knew that she wasn’t quite okay. That something had been tugging at her heart. She held her beloved brother’s gaze. The sun met the ocean on the horizon for the very last time. 

“... I’m sorry, Berrypaw.” the she-cat whispered, struggling to hold her brother’s gaze. “And I know that apologies will never make up for what I am about to do but this is where it ends, little brother.” The apprentice(?) paused. Long enough for everything to sink in and for the silence to drag out, but not long enough for something else to fill this silence. “You’ll know what to do… I think that deep down, you always know what to do. You are so so strong, Berrypaw.”  

“I don’t really feel the need to be remembered. But if that is what you want to do then… It will make me happy.” Cedarpaw places a paw on her brother’s chest. “Breathe.” The molly whispers. She knew how he felt. She was feeling it too. “I think that… Happiness can be found anywhere. It just depends on perspective and relationality… But I think that happiness can so easily be drowned out by fear. Although He isn’t my only motivator I think it’s my biggest one.”

Without passion you don’t have energy, without energy you have nothing.

･ﾟ✧⭑🍓⭑✧･ﾟ

Berrypaw's eyes seemed to glaze over, wet and glossy, if cats could cry, he would in that moment, his best friend, his everything, his other half... his sister. She was being taken... no, she was leaving before his very eyes. It wasn't fair, it really wasn't, what Hetasha told them, did to them, just for being born different. It wasn't fair. Berrypaw was going to stay in WindClan, stay loyal, unfaltering, not for Hetasha, not because he was scared of what would happen if he didn't but this was for himself, for Cedarpaw too, some cat needed to be twice the apprentice in Cedarpaw's place while she was gone, he was going to do that himself. Only he knew Cedarpaw well enough.

"Don't apologize for doing what's right by you." Berrypaw responded after a while of silence between them, he felt her paw on his chest, and for a moment, it didn't feel as tight. "So don't be afraid to look at me. I'm your brother and I always will be, no matter how far you are. I can promise you that." His pale blue eyes remained on his sister, soft and furrowed with the early onset grief for her. "If I don't know what to do, I'd think about what you would do, you've always been better at that than me. I'll make sure that Beewhisker and Bayflower are okay too, I'll try." His voice was still cracked and broken, trying not to let out a wail and tackle his sister. He wanted so badly to tell her the reasons she should stay here, but that wouldn't help, it would just make things worse. Right now, she needed his support, and he had a lot of it to give and then some.

Berrypaw leaned closer, brushing his pelt against his sister's, his breath was hollow and ragged, he couldn't stop that, there was no force in StarClan that could right now. But he didn't want it to, it made him feel alive, like this sadness was only something that would last for a while until a new dawn rose, even if it was short lived. "It only ends if we forget what he have. I owe a lot of things to you, making sure you're not just a name forgotten by time is the least I can do." Berrypaw let a sigh escape him.

"I'll make sure that if WindClan looks for you at all, they won't go however far six phases is. I've got your back, Cedarpaw. Forever an always, even if our nests aren't next to each other anymore." He replied placing a paw on Cedarpaw's free paw "Do me a favor though... don't forget me? Everyone else can, just not you, never you. Our final promise?"